Thursday, September 12, 2019

Thursday Thoughts

It's been a long week. Only one more day until the weekend. I think the week has seemed so darn long because I've been an anxiety filled mess. Since last November I've been dealing with hearing a pulsing sound in my right ear and doctors discovering a carotid dissection. Since March, I've had little panic attacks every time my eyes were tired/blurry, every time I couldn't find the word I wanted to say, every time my head hurt, every time we hit a pothole. I had the follow up CT scans yesterday.

I had to be there at 7:30 am. To normal people with normal jobs and kids and such, that doesn't sound early, but to our household, that's super early since we usually go to bed around 1 am and I sleep until 8-8:30. So departing at 6:45 am was rough. And also not enough time thanks to traffic. How are there so many car accidents during morning commutes?

As usual my veins were tiny, hidden, difficult jerks. The left arm was uncooperative so she took it out and re-stuck me in the right arm, which was more cooperative, but now I have puncture marks and bruising on both arms.

Result of the CT scans: I still have the carotid dissection. It looks like it may have healed a bit. But not completely. It likely will never heal completely. It may or may not be the cause of the ear pulsing (they think the tear is too low to be the cause) but if it is, and if it never heals more, then I will experience ear pulsing the rest of my life, deal with it. If the cause of the pulsing is something else, well, no one seems to have a clue, just deal with it. Take an aspirin a day the rest of my life. And pay attention for signs of stroke. Return in one year for repeat CT scans.

I'm not yet 50 years old and I have been terrified of having a stroke since 15 years ago when I had to go to a rehab facility after hip replacement surgery and was around people recovering from strokes and it TERRIFIED me. I cried then, and still do now, at how cruel a stroke can be.

So for the rest of my life I will have ear pulsing and stroke fear. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that concept. And I'm trying to accept that I have yet another life-long problem that I did not in any way cause and that cannot be fixed, there's no way to fight or fix my health issues, and I now have to live with even more uncertainty.

What We're Eating:

  • Grill rotisserie chicken with vegetables
  • Vegetables: Green Beans and Tomatoes with Feta, Tomatoes with Mozzarella, Tomatoes & Cucumber
  • Dessert: Amish Cinnamon Bread

What We're Watching:

  • We finished watching Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and are now looking forward to Season 3 in December.
  • We're watching Great British Baking Show on Netflix. I felt bad for the poor boy who just couldn't seem to bake anything right in the first 2 episodes.
  • We're finally finished Season 2 of The Deuce and soon will start Season 3, the final season. We were losing interest during Season 2 and then Dish & HBO had their spat and we lost HBO so we couldn't watch the end of Season 2. When we decided Dish & HBO weren't going to work out a deal, we subscribed to HBO through Amazon Prime but we never felt like catching up on The Deuce. I guess the start of Season 3 and knowing there are only 6 episodes made us decide to give it another try. The break was good because we really enjoyed the last 3 episodes of Season 2.
  • I watched Bad Times at the El Royale and enjoyed more than I expected. Chris Hemsworth shirtless is always nice. Seeing Dakota Johnson get shot is nice. Something about her bugs me, probably because she appeared in those dreadful Fifty Shades of Grey movies, not that I watched them, but I have seen small snippets when flipping around and good grief are those movies (and books) awful.

What I'm Reading:

  • I read Desperate Creed by Alex Kava. It was just OK. When I finished it, I wondered what the plot was. Usually there's a mystery to solve, a killer to catch, but this time it seemed to just be about the usual characters surviving a horrible tornado outbreak in Alabama. There wasn't a mystery/case to solve. so I suppose I was disappointed because usually I love Kava's books.
  • I also read A Dangerous Man from Robert Crais. I like the author a lot, especially the Elvis Cole & Joe Pike books. Much more satisfying read than Desperate Creed.
  • I started another Smithsonian! At this rate, I might finish them before a "year since delivery."

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