Monday, August 8, 2022

January-March, Grief

 An eight month blog absence. 2022 has been awful so far. Since my last post last December, we didn't cook anything new nor did we go anywhere exciting. SP was having stomach trouble. Plus, COVID. 

The first week of January, SP worked from home (his work was still WFH) and I could see he'd lost a lot of weight but I figured it was his stomach problems. I was not sleeping well at night, which I figured was because of perimenopause. Therefore I nodded off a lot during the day before finally giving in to nap. Then I couldn't sleep much at night. It was a terrible cycle.

One night SP threw up all over his dinner plate. I'd never seen him vomit before. With everything else I'd seen, his comments about his stomach, just a general feeling of dread and worry, I told him I was calling his parents to take him to the ER (I can't drive). I called him at the hospital that night at 11 pm. He'd fallen at the hospital. He didn't sound good at all and told me he didn't feel good, that he didn't feel like talking. I was sad and disappointed. He's my best friend. I love talking to him. But I said OK and we told each other we loved each other and hung up.

The next morning I awoke to my phone ringing. It was the hospital calling to tell me SP had died.

I went numb. Disbelief. I tried to tell them they were wrong. They gave me all sorts of info and asked a lot of questions. What funeral home? Did I want an autopsy? Could I come in?

I was overwhelmed. I called my parents. 

"Daddy I need you, Greg died." "

"OK we're on our way." 

All this at 8 am. 

Then I had to call SP's parent with the news.

Long story short (maybe): At the hospital, in his room, SP's glucose level had suddenly dropped way too low. He couldn't respond with his insulin pump because it was so low. The nurse found him unresponsive and gave him a shot but the sudden low insulin caused cardiac arrest. They stabilized him and were taking him to cardiac ICU when he again went into cardiac arrest. Despite bypass surgery 10 months earlier, despite exercise and so much salad that I grew sick of salad, his arteries were again severely blocked. Additionally he was bleeding internally in his digestive system - they couldn't find the source of the bleed and and he was bleeding into his belly and he bled out. Type 1 diabetes & other autoimmune diseases caused all this. He's gone and I am alone.

I don't know how I made it through planning a funeral, the funeral, after the funeral. I just remember trying to make it through each day. There was so much to take care of - his work/beneficiary suff,  removing his name from accounts, cleaning out his stuff. Basically erasing him. That's what it felt like.

I still cry a lot. I miss him so much it hurts. Everything reminds me of him. I am lonely. Sad. Full of grief. Sometimes I want to scream. Being a widow stinks.

I try to focus on all the good memories, but they make me cry. I have panic/anxiety attacks. I have lost so much.

So that's part of the reason for the blog absence. Stay tuned for the other reasons.

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